Laraba and the OFAH Project

The Pastor from Goshen, Mpape!

Source: www.imgarcade.com

So, I have been minding my own business ever since my last disastrous date with Yinka.  and I thought Igbo men from Anambra State were stingy. Work has been a bit rough- I have just not been functioning;it's like the devil has stolen my clarity and sanity and then I have been forgetting things. I bought somethings from the Grand Square the other day, then forgot my phones at the counter. Last week, I went to buy Always sanitary pads, yes, I said it, Always from the Pharmacy near my office.  I paid for it and then forgot to carry the two packs I bought. You should have seen my anger- I had to walk back to get it and you know when you are "rushing"...Let me stop there.

I told my mum about all these things happening to me. Like the devil of a girl in my office, Princess who really thinks she's a Princess and we're all her subjects plus this forgetful, dense behaviour of mine and Mumsy tells my dad.

Next thing I know, Mumsy calls me and tells me I should go and see one Pastor.

"Ah ah, Mummy, why should I go there? What happened?"I ask as I get ready for bed.

 “I said, I want you to go and meet Pastor Gideon.” Mumsy said.

 "Ah ah, mama. What is it that he will tell me that God cannot tell me or my pastor in church cannot tell me?"

“Eh? What do they preach in that your church if it is not prosperity or how to disobey your parents?”

Ah! Mumsy will never forgive that fact that one time I had an event in church which I was coordinating and couldn’t come for my Dad’s ordination as a senior elder in his church. Bullocks, if you ask me.

“Mama, na wa for you o”

“Don’t na wa for me anything. As for you, how can you hear God when you don’t want to hear his messenger?”

Well, I’m adamant. No, I’m not seeing any Pastor. The last time they made me go to see one Pastor Hosea, he told me to stop taking okra soup as it was the cause of my problems.The way okra soup draws that's how my problems were drawing and it was like a thick okra drawing.

Suddenly, I hear my Dad’s voice cut in. “Girl, are you stupid? You think we don’t want what’s good for you or what?” These people set me up. So the phone was on speaker all along? I can imagine his glasses sliding down his nose and he, breaking its free fall.

Ok, Alright. I have heard ooooo! I will go. No problem. I’ll go when he comes into town.”

“Ehen, good.” Mum says. He’s around now so go there tomorrow.”

What?!

“And better cleanse your mind because that boy sees o. He sees”

I roll my eyes. Ok, let me go and attend this meeting he has this Sunday. I’ll go with Lucy

***

 So I’m dressed up in a decent red traditional dress. It’s Sunday evening and I hear that Pastor Gideon runs a Goshen Revival evening service.  Lucy is a bit reluctant to go but she owes me- I accompanied her on a double date; her boyfriend’s cousin she set me up with a guy who drooled all over. I have to tell you about that one later.

“Ohhhhh, Lara. Are you sure this is what you want to do?” Lucy complains even as she puts on some lipstick. She’s dressed like she expects the Pastor to see that there is a spirit of immorality in her. Haha! That’ll be worth laughing at.

“Abeg, Madam. Let’s be going. I want to get out as soon as possible. Let me just meet the man for whatever he wants to say and get out”

“And you think your parents will stop? I think I should set you up with Idris”

“That Johhny Bravo Boxer in the gym that doesn’t know the difference between a star and satellite?”

Lucy rolls her eyes at me. “You’re getting worse than I thought” She measures me up. “I think your parents are right. Let’s deliver you from the evil tongue you’ve acquired”

She flings my bag at me; I catch it as she  proceeds to sashay out the door. I sigh; I wonder how I cope with this babe. I follow after her.

***

Thank God, the meeting is being held at Mpape and not Nyanya. I think I would have disobeyed my parents if I had to go there. Yes, the name of the ministry is Goshen to Canaan Revival Ministry and it is located in Mpape. Let me shut up.

When we finally locate the hotel, we pay the cab guy and get in. It’s a 0.00000000001 Star hotel. Very dirty and very very dirty.. The receptionist is obviously not being paid well with the way she is chewing her gum and her red light district clothes.  I wonder why the pastor Gideon has not managed to bring this one into his flock. We are directed to a small hall and we take our seats at the back.

A girl is leading worship out front. It isn’t as “janded” as my church’s choir but strangely, I enjoy it. It reminds me of the 5.00-am prayers we always had in the morning when we were younger. The next person that comes up is a prayer warrior- apparently. You can tell he is a prayer man and rarely smiles. I, even I, cower from him when he glares at us and tell us the Lord is a battle axe and so we also are battle axes so we should begin to cut down the trees of demons and witches in our lives. 

“Oya, cut, cut, cut, cut”

“Oya, cut, cut, cut, cut”

“You’re not cutting! You’re not cutting! Your destiny is about to be overgrown and you’re not cutting! Cut! Cut! I say CUT!!! Let the tree of poverty fall. Battle axe, cut down, cut down, cut down...”

And so it goes. These people are genuinely praying and it’s like an exercise- arms swinging left, right, centre, up and about. Ok o! Let’s do this. I close my eyes and concentrate on the trees that need to be cut down in my life and I actually start to pray but the woman next to me keeps distracting me- She’s hitting me with each swing of her mighty arms; when her heavy arms swing past my shoulders ,I get jolted. 

The prayer session ends and everyone is sweating profusely; everyone except me, Lucy and a few people I see outside. Another worship session begins and it’s during that time another pastor picks up the microphone and asks us if we are ready for the word. He tells us to ask our neighbour if we are ready for the word and our neighbour must say yes. We all shout yes- well, I have to shout yes because my neighbour is a burly woman and I don’t want her hitting my shoulder again; It may get dislocated.

When are all seated, Pastor Gideon is welcomed. I see the choir-girls rush up quickly and start to sing. I feel they are a bit too charly charly now and I know why- their pastor is about to preach and they still have the eye-service spirit in them. I’m flipping though my text messages- my sister just sent me a message lolling at me because of what I have to go through.

I hear the Pastor start to speak, “Who here is burdened, confused, tired? Jesus said, come unto me and I will give you rest.”

Sounds like I need to hear this.

Lucy jabs me in the side. “See this Pastor Gideon o”

I look up. Ah, Pastor Gideon is ...a man before a pastor. Now I know why those choir girls are putting flesh in their singing. You know Banky W? Shei, you know him or rather you have heard of him. He looks like Banky W – well, without the shape of Banky’s head. This Pastor has the perfectly carved beard and the most well sculptured lips, (like Morris Chestnut). He’s not too tall but I’m already seeing us walking down the aisle. He must at most, be in his early thirties. He’s speaking softly, deliberately and smiling at each one of us. The big woman next to me is just blushing and saying, “Man of God”. I guess her husband is the small man next to her. He looks like he knows he pales in comparism to this fine specimen of a pastor. 

In case, you've forgotten, here's how Banky W and Morris Chestnut look:

Source: ayekoto.com

Look at those lips!Source:www.rottentomatoes.com

 Oh, he’s lifting his hand as he prophesies. As he does so, his shirt stretches and I can see he must have a taut abdomen. Oh boy! I don’t know when I lift my hands too.

“Pstt!” Lucy hits me. “He said those who are widows should raise their hands”

I quickly put my hands down. The burly woman frowns at me, looks at my hand then relaxes. I guess they think I want my husband to die. I can’t believe Lucy is paying so much attention. She’s focused only on Pastor Gideon.

Honestly, I can’t remember what he says. I only remember he’s touching people and some are falling, some are saying Amen. He looks like he wants to go play polo. Suddenly, he stops and says, “The Lord just told me something.” He looks excited. The choristers reduce their voices and the keyboardist slows down.

“The Lord just told me that my wife is in this meeting”

Every one stops! Like full stop, like period, like zit, like dot! The faces of the choristers are aglow with hope.

He repeats it again.

“I don’t know who, but the Lord just told me my wife is in this meeting! Thank you Lord! The wait is over!!!!!” Which wait? How old is he? 40?

“Hallelujah”

Thank you Jesus”

“Amen!!!!”

Hundreds of shouts and screams and the next thing I know, the band starts playing again and everyone is dancing in a frenzy, especially the choristers. Even the pastor is dancing. Lucy too is dancing. I am already imagining myself as Pastor Mrs. Gideon wearing a hat and dress in a different location- maybe Thisday Dome not Mpape.

Finally, they settle down and we all sit down. Lucy is like, “This man of God is hot o” 

I smile my agreement. The message is OK. I notice 3 offerings were taken when we first arrived but Pastor Gideon is taking another offering.

He’s like asking us to give and I make up my mind to give to God. I pull out my purse and tell Lucy we need to give o when the next thing I know, Pastor Gideon starts to speak with fire and passion in his eyes.

“I know some of you that came here today are saying,”look at this people. How many offerings do they want us to give, they want to eat our money”.”He shakes his head, “Repent! Repent this day or else what may happen to you...!"

He comes closer to our row. “Confess now let God forgive you. You!” He looks at our row, or the row behind us; I’m not sure which one.

“You, are you not guilty of that thought? Yes, you, the girl in red” 

I realise that the Pastor is referring to me. I’m the only one wearing red around here. What?! Is this Pastor alright? I’m like shaking my head to say no and he sweeps back toward the altar. “God forgive you! God forgive you, sister!”

And the congregation start to say “God forgive you”, “Mercy, Father”, “Forgive Lord”

Are you for real?

The Burly woman hisses at me and starts saying "Mercy, Father". Lucy’s mouth is open and she’s furious. She tells me,” Let’s get out of here.” 

The good girl in me is like, “Let’s wait until benediction”

“I can’t stand this! I’m going out.” She makes to stand up.

“No. Lu, no” I pull her back down.

“You were the one telling me to add money for the offering, abi? So God told him that we changed our minds? I’m not giving any offering again joor” She hisses. “And what is your problem?” She whispers furiously at the burly woman next to me. “Did you not hear when she told me to give? You didn’t say anything now you’re saying “mercy”. Mtchwwww” The woman quickly turns away and talks to her husband.

Well, she thinks it’s a whisper but few people in front of us turn to look at us. I groan inwardly; I’m so embarrassed. I need to leave. I send a text to my Mum telling her what happened and shut my phone.

As soon as the benediction is over, Lucy drags me to Pastor Gideon’s place. “I’m going to tell him what I think of him”. He’s surrounded by different people.

“Hey, Pastor Gideon”

He turns to look at us; they all turn to look at us. “God did not lead you when you defamed my friend” She says to him. “I was just about to put a fat offering because she told me to and you said that she was complaining? You had better find a way to apologise big time. Lara, let’s go”

As we turn to leave, I say, “I wasn’t complaining but come to think of it, are your offerings not too much?”

And with that I walked out with Lucy. Mumsy calls me and I tell her what happened. She’s shocked and vows to speak to him. I don’t care. I just start telling her why I don’t like going to these ministry Pastors with funny names.

As we walk down the road, Lucy and I burst out laughing. She’s like the next thing we would have seen was his hand on my head saying, “The power of Christ compels you”

We have to take bikes to the junction but there are no bikes. I wish we had told a cab guy to come pick us but omo, we don’t have that kind of money. The next thing we know, there’s a car honking behind us. We move further into the curb to make way for the car but it just goes in front of us and parks to the side. And guess who comes out?

“Oh my God! Laraba, right?” He asks. Lucy and I look at each other; it’s dark but we both mirror the surprise in our faces. “You’re Mama C’s daughter” Oh, I see. My Mum must have called. I nod.

“I’m sorry about what happened back there; so sorry. We Pastors can sometimes get mixed signals. I’m sorry” He smiles at both of us. Without meaning to, we smile back at him.

Mixed signals eh?

“Well, next time don’t embarrass people like that; it’s not like she was demon possessed or something” Lucy says.

Well, Pastor Gideon offers to drops us off as penance and we agree. I make to sit at the back but Lucy pushes me forward and slips in at the back so I have to stay in front. He and Lucy make more conversation;I’m not in the mood and he keeps looking at me like he wants to say something.  Mumsy calls me.

“Don’t mind him joor dear. Has he called you?” She asks.”I gave him your number”

“Yes, he offered to take us home sef” I tell her.

“Oh” That oh is pregnant. I can tell Mumsy is excited and happy. “Ok, let me know when you get home. Greet Lucy “and she cuts the call. Mumsy is fond of cutting the call without a goodbye but if you do it to her, you’ll see that you’re still 5 years old where she’s concerned. 

As Pastor Gideon drops us off at out gate and we make to get out. He calls my name softly. “Laraba, I’m really sorry about this evening.”

“It’s alright” I tell him.

“Perhaps we can have a prayer session this week and then I can buy you dinner”

Eh? Did this Pastor just throw in prayer session with a date? Hian! Ok o!

“You know what? I’ll let you know. Thank you for the ride” I come out of the car.

“Alright, I’ll wait for your response dear”

I hate people calling me dear. Lucy and I watch him as he drives away. Lucy snorts, “Pastor Mrs. Gideon”

I slap her with my shawl. “C’mon.”

“C’mon what? You’re already thinking wedding colours with him”

I’m about to deny when she adds, “I was thinking same too except that im go be pastor for like This Day dome”

LOL. !Exactly my thoughts!"

"Perhaps, he'll marry both of us" Lucy giggles. Laughing,we go inside.

Should I go on a date with Pastor Gideon?