The End and Burial of Mr. Itoh

 angry birds

He gets to me...

He always, always gets to me. Almost every morning when I get to work, he gives me the creeps. His office is just right next to mine.

I guess he thinks he is so handsome and cute or something if not why would he want to grin and stare up at me, small fellow that he is? He really isn't cute, not in those grey or sickly green colours he wears all the time, especially when it's cold.

He always comes with his friend and colleague, Dami. On days I come really early to work, Dami always opens the door to their office so he is usually the first to come to work.

He waits until I get into my office before he leaves. He never says anything to me; just smiles creepily and I tell you, it's creepy.  sometimes, Itoh (that’s his name) bumps into me and I jump back; it’s like he's trying to feel me up or something and sometimes I give him back a cold stare and other times I hiss and ignore him. Why? Because he is irritating. Why should I talk to someone that does not say hello and just plaster a foolish grin on his face.

One day, I had very important clients coming to visit my office so we could finalise on a deal and because of the traffic and some other delays, I made it to the office just 10 minutes short of the meeting time. I had to rush in so I could quickly wear my shoes and put on my make up; I wasn't looking because my slipper had just decided to die, its little hand torn apart from its body so I was limping and carrying my laptop bag and bag and lunch box when he ran smack into me or rather, I ran smack into him and you should have seen the commotion: my files hit him right on the forehead, the contents of my lunch box strewn everywhere. It was a collision of the century, I tell you. The only thing I held tightly to my bosom was my laptop bag.

When I was done screaming, he didn’t even say he was sorry and I couldn't tell him I was sorry as well. Why did he have to be there? He ruined my morning, afternoon, night, days and weeks for a long time. From that day, I was filled with some mad hate for him and began to plot my revenge. It filled me, consumed me. I burned with venom, my seething anger like molten magma. Until today... 

Today, I get dressed up in my smart pink and grey suit and my cute grey court shoes which I got from the second hand section in Garki market (not the Ultra modern one; the "Monday" market). I'm wearing my hair in a tight and severe bun (my no-nonsense look) and I'm about 20 minutes early today.  When I get down from the cab and cross to the other side, I hold my laptop bag tightly (my sister just got it for me from the UK and it looks just like a ladies bag but big enough to handle my 13 inch hp laptop and spacious enough to hold my planner, hard drive and a lady's everyday essentials.

As I walk down into the office premises, I don't see him today but I see Dami is ahead of me and then I see what he's trying to do as he tries to open his door. He clears his throat, makes a funny sound, makes it again like a toad or crocodile trying to heave its guts out, he swallows, clears his throat, throws his head back and then, wait for it,  like a toad, literally, he balls out the most slimy greenish looking spittle that can be dated back to the Neanderthals and voi! It’s on the floor! Again, staring and grinning at me as he always does.

"Dami!" I yell.  Dami turns to me as he cleans his mouth and nose with his hand. "Never, ever do that again. This is a professional environment and you consistently do this until the security man comes to clear it. I am tired of seeing this friend, Mr. Itoh every morning! Can we be clear on that?"

Dami looks around in surprise. "I have no friend called Mr. Itoh"

I hand over my bag to the driver who is passing by as I fold my hands and stare up at Dami. "Really? I call the spittle you always dish out in the mornings Mr. Itoh because it means spit in my language. The last time I mistakenly stepped on it and I do not take it kindly. This is not hygienic. Next time, do it in the shrubs or gutter, especially during the raining season. It is completely disgusting!" Oh no, I can’t be cool, I remember how I stepped on it the other day, the soles of my feet sinking into the mixture of phlegm and spittle and I’m getting mad, my voice gets louder.

Dami is still looking shocked and a bit embarrassed but I don't care. He’s a grown man and should know better. “Next time, do your stuff outside your own door and not next to mine and if you don't clean this up, I'll make sure your HR Manager hears about this" Oh yeah, that got him fine. He’s afraid of his HR manager,; I’m afraid of her too. He quickly steps his shoe clad feet on it and drags up and down, to the side and back up but Itoh got stuck in a slimy way to the heel of his feet. E yama! Finally he gets some sand and pours it over the stretched remains of Itoh.

Satisfied, I give Dami a nod and walk into my office.  A good burial for an annoying entity.