Laraba and the OFAH Project

The Pastor from Goshen, Mpape II!

Source: www.occupationgifts.com

Ehem…

So I told you about Pastor Gideon a while ago, right? You can find that story HERE. Well...We had two deliverance sessions where he seriously prayed. I had to fast three days for the prayer sessions. Mumsie kept calling during that period to find out what was up with me. She was also with us in spirit (so she said). Pastor Gideon did not say anything tangible that I could grab a hold of. He just kept on saying the Bible says, none shall lack her mate. Amen o! We prayed serious prayers like any remote control mechanism being used to determine my marital destiny, malfunction and be condemned by Furnace Fire;It was during the session I found out there are different kind of fires- roasting fires, burning fires, volcanic fires, troubling fires, strange fires, yellow fires( you don't wanna go there, trust me)

Something a bit interesting happened though; a few weeks ago, Pastor Gideon asked me out on a date; it was nice. We went out for a movie and we had fun. In fact, he has quite a sense of humour. The only thing that baffles me is that he always seeks to correct my language even when I’m not wrong; it’s amazing because he has the “sh” thing in his speech and makes mistakes with his tenses at times. Sha sha, I let it slide. I want a husband and I shall get him-if it is Pastor Gideon, let it be so.

We went out like a couple of times and he was always talking to me. When I told Mumsie, she was so happy she sent the sum of 150,000 naira into his account to help his ministry.

So, quite recently, Pastor Gideon decides to go on the mountain for 21 days- dry, he says and we don’t see. When he’s done with his fast, he calls me and asks to see if we can meet today.

No wahala. I put on my long maxi dress with a little sleeves and a pair of slippers; I like this man of God and cannot attempt to tempt him. He’s so spiritual, I doubt he thinks about sex.

Lucy eyes me as she comes into my room; I don’t know why she always comes into my room when I am doing the strangest of things- like right now, I’m making poses in front of the mirror deciding how I’ll react when he asks me out officially. Two days ago, she caught me making faces at how I’ll react when a lover buys me a car.

“Hmmm” She says,” You don dey plan this thing o; let me guess, this is what you’ll do when he proposes to you?”

“Ah ah, Lucy!” She’s a right on target with that one;sorry, I lied to you reading this. “Well, it’s not bad to plan this na”

“Sha, sha, the Pastor seems to like you very much although I see you more with a cosmopolitan pastor” She bounces on the bed and begins to flip through the magazine on the pillow. She sees a paper on the bed, unfolds it and reads it. Oh oh!!! “Ah, ah, Lara! What is this? You are planning to buy a male shirt for prayer?”

Kai, this Lucy likes to poke her nose into everything; if it was possible to blush, I so will. “No, Lulu you can so "nosedrop"!” I grab the paper from her.

“If you notice, I wrote a shirt or watch”

“Why?”

“Well…I was reading somewhere that a woman bought a shirt and prayed that her husband will fit the shirt she bought so I want to try as per what I want”

Lucy is laughing and bending over! “Lara, Lara! OFAH project continua!!!” I throw my pillow at her as she rolls on my bed in laughter. “Ok, ok! What kind of... shirt… do you want to…buy?” She asks in between hearty gasps.

Does she really want to discuss this? “I don’t know- any shirt. I can buy from Garki market or something”

“Oh oh. Just make sure you buy a H&C shirt o! What if God now gives you a man whose level is the benddown level?” She bursts into laughter again.

“Get out joor” I pack my hair into a bun and put a band on it.

Lucy mimics a guy wearing a shirt which fits and saying “Hallelujah, we have gotten the One!” I shake my head; I don’t know why I put up with this girl. My phone rings; it’s Pastor Gideon. I pick it up and he says he’s outside. I tell him I’ll meet him up shortly. I pick up my purse and make a face at Lucy.

“Better arrange my bed before you leave o!”

“Better buy a TM Lewin Shirt for Pastor Gideon! You’ll be stepping up his level!”

Mad Lucy.

***

So Pastor Gideon takes me in his Tuke tuke car to get a glass of juice and then asks if I’ll like to see his apartment. Hmmm, well, it’s not a problem for me but as we drive towards Mpape, I wish his house wasn't so far.

He’s playing a Ron Kenoly song from his phone as we are gisting. “Oh, Lara! It is a pleasure to serve Jesus!” Oh yes it is.

“While I was praying on the mountains, I felt that your story is about to change today” He says as he looks at me.

“Amen” I say.

When people say mountain, I think about a big rock or hill where you have to climb and hide in one of its crevices, wearing a long white or grey gown with gongs and cymbals, no lanterns but torches and not the battery operated one. Why can’t people just say there are going to a church to pray? Oh well!

Pastor Gideon is still talking when we come to a stop at his house. He opens the door and we walk in. There is no electricity so he has me stand by the door while he goes out to put on the generator. When he’s back in and flips on the light, I see he has a comfortable one bedroom apartment and it’s furnished really nicely. 

Hmmm…not bad.

“You want to look around?”

Well…OK. I agree. The bedroom is small and not so tidy but the bed is massive! The toilet and

bathroom are also small but alright for a bachelor or newlywed couple. The kitchen is the dirtiest; there’s a pot in the sink that probably has been there for a week. There’s a lot of food stuff in his kitchen though.

“You like to cook?” I ask.

“Ah no. My members often bring me food and food stuff” He laughs.

Oh really? This Pastor is enjoying sha.

“I guess they also wash your clothes and clean house” I say with a sarcastic undertone.

“Oh yes! They do” Eh? For real? He didn't catch that I was being sarcastic.

He stirs me back gently to the sitting room and puts on the TV as I sit down. There’s an action flick playing. 

He brings a bottle from the kitchen and pours me a glass. I sniff it and look at the bottle; it’s vodka.

He laughs at my suspicious look. “Oh common, don’t you drink?” I say no.

“Oh well, I do it to make my guests feel welcome. I mean how can you preach to the people in the world if you don’t act like them?”

Eh? Oh so I am of the world? He holds my hands as he sits down and commands, “Look into my eyes”

I hate this statement, command, demand, whatever. Seriously, when I don’t look into your eyes it’s because I’m embarrassed for you and want to save you that embarrassment. When I look into a man’s eyes when he asks me to, he looks away again. Do guys really think I won’t look? Like now, I look into Pastor Gideon’s eyes and his rest on my each side of my face but not my eyes.

“You know what I said earlier that your life is going to change?”

I nod my head.

“Well, Lara, I want to marry you. I don’t want to date you. I want to court and marry you because I know you are the one for me.”

Eh? I’m shocked but not as excited as I thought I’ll be. What is going on? The good pastor wants to marry me? Wow! I should be excited. Now my parents can get off my case!

He goes on and on saying we are a power couple destined for great things. He knows we are meant to be together. We can take on the world. Bla de bla de Bangladesh!

I think he mistakes my silence for raptured unspeakable joy because he kisses my hand and says, “I see you are overwhelmed. Don’t worry, you can be a pastor’s wife and I can teach you many many things.”

I don’t know what I am but I don’t think I want to marry this man. He goes inside, comes back out and dims the lights as he changes the channel. The sounds I hear form the TV cause me to look up. Are you for real?

I look at him and notice he’s in boxers and a vest! I can’t even speak! “I think you’ll like something more romantic.”

The images on the screen are romantic? Or hedonistic?

He leans over and kisses my neck. Ok, I should have slapped him right away, abi? But some part of me tells me I cannot hit a pastor. I push him away gently and shake my head. The guy has gone into the zone o! Unfortunately, I am backed into the corner and the struggle begins.

I start to remind him he just came off the mountain. He tells me shut up (It wasn't sexy- that was his intent) and pushes me against the wall, telling me it’s better to do it with someone you want to marry and he as a pastor can ordain our marriage. Ewuh! I am in trouble o! I am pushed against the wall, my hand held behind me, trapped and not shutting up as he tells me to shut up. My head is pushed against the wall, I’m hearing the sounds from the TV and hearing his ragged breath. I always thought about what kinky was so I’m thinking do I give in? I turn my head around and tell him…OK

Brethren, do you really want to know what happened?