Laraba And The OFAH Project

The man called Prince

Source: @Corbis /justcheckingmydiary.wordpress.com

After my most hellish meeting with Pastor Gideon, you can read it HERE ,I decided to calmly walk away from the area. The only scripture that came to mind even as he had me pinned to the wall was that "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus". That’s all I could say. Funny right? Needless to say when I kept talking calmly he released me and I calmly walked out of the door and went home. Lucy was mad but she laughed eh. I had a laugh the next day but I immediately told my mum who called him and blasted him. I don't think he'll be getting any more donations from my parents and their friends.

He’s been calling every few days asking for forgiveness. That’s gist for another day.

I found out later that he had also prophesied marriage to another lady and was dating the other lady. Well, I wished him the best but absolutely good riddance.

Ehem, so it's a new day. Bright day, great day. I am happy and so should you. Why? Well, Lulu has this friend who seems to be all that and some. I saw his picture last week and he's my definition of tall- like really tall and fine. Well, Lulu's friend says he's ready to get married and wants a wife and since you know about my OFAH(Operation Find A Husband) project, she asked me to check him out and that’s what I am going to do.

Well, we've been chatting and so far so good. He's been nice-on the phone. My only issue is he's a bit argumentative but I can work with that. Or can't I? I can't complain seeing that the calibre of men I have seen lately eh, I don tire sef.

So Prince (that's his name) asked last week if we could see this week and I agree. We have been talking for three weeks now and finally we get to see. We agree to see this week after work; he'll come over to my office and then we can go to dinner and he can drop me off at home. I ask if he is mobile (as per, you get motor?) He's like, “Why not? You think I'll let you take a cab after we go out on a date? Never! So Tuesday's fine, right?" Yes, Prince Prince, Tuesday is fine. Now, this conversation was last week Wednesday. No wahala.

On Tuesday, guess what? My annoying boss seems to know I am going on a date with the workload he piles up on me and I know I can't finish by 5pm as I initially thought. Prince calls me at about 5.15pm that he's already at my office and I ask him to come in since I may be a while. Well, he comes in and my colleagues are like, "Ohh" and "ahhh”, he cool men. Ok o. I hear. He hugs me and pecks my forehead. Ah, ah. Why? I don't like people kissing me on the forehead especially since this is the first time I'm meeting him. He looks at me from head to toe and then gives an approving nod of my wrap dress. Mister, do you think if you didn't approve of my dress I will go and change?

"So finally we meet" He says.

"Yes finally. I'm glad to see you"

"I know." What? Wait; did you hear what he just said? I'm asking you. 

"Wow, you are something Laraba. Curves in the right places. I like my woman with some flesh"

My smile fades and he sees it. "Well, I'm not yet your woman. Please seat down"

"Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was just overcome." He looks so apologetic that I forgive him. He seats down and leans over my desk towards me. "You know, I wish you can be my woman"

Hmmm, this guy eh. I don't think I mind being his woman sha. Let's see how the evening goes.

"Do you need any help?"

"No, no. What can I get you?" I ask.

He looks at me so determinedly and says in a low voice "You"

Ohhhhhh, this evening is going to be some testosterone-oestrogen charged one. As I work, I can't really concentrate because he seems to be touchy and our conversations seem centred around sex or something like that. No matter how innocent my question may be, he finds a way to link it to some sensual topic. For instance, I ask him how he enjoys his work. And he replies that he loves his job and is as diligent as a man who makes slow sweet love to his woman on a cold day. I didn't say that. He did.

I ask him, what kind of movies he likes to watch and he's like, medieval movies because there's just something erotic about them. Ngwa what? Although, he mentions Khaleesi and Karl Drogo in Game of thrones, (Who doesn't love them? Why did he die? NO!!!) I'm like, this guy is speaking the language in my mind o. In fact, when I deliberately ask good questions like did you attend your church's membership and workers program, he found a way to say something erotic and ask me what I think of him. Do I like the way he looks. Well, except for his overly strong perfume, I think he's pretty much alright.

While I'm working at my desk- I am almost done with the draft I'm working on- Prince comes round my desk commenting on my hair and bends close to me, putting his hand under my chin and gently directing my face to him and away from my computer. The next thing is- he kisses me. No, it isn't that drop dead French kiss move. I can tell he wants to deepen it but my lips remain firmly closed.  He whispers, "Sorry, I had to do that. I just couldn't resist"

I pull away from him and liberate my chin from his hand. "You should learn to. The next time it happens, you may get a shove or something"

He chuckles and puts on his boyish apologetic face."I'm sorry Love. I'll give you some notice when next it happens" and smirks to himself.

Well, what's wrong with me ba? I don't know. I guess I just like the way he's commanding. I should have pushed him away but I didn't and to be honest, I like the way he says I am irresistible although I do not want the type pastor Gideon showed me o! I stop smiling, send my email, put off my system and get up to go.

"Let's go. I'm ready" and I stroll down towards the reception area. He hurries up and grasps my hand, spinning me round to face him, "Laraba, I am really sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. You're just more than I expected and I wanted to do that ever since I heard your voice. Forgive me?"

I smile against my wish. He's cute though. "Fine. Forgiven. Let's go"

The next thing is, he gasps and says, "I forgot to tell you"

"What?" Please don't tell me you have some mouth disease. 

"No, I don't!" Oh, did I say that out loud? My bad.

"It’s just that...well, let's go outside first. You can cope."

We head to the parking lot and we stop at his car. It’s a regular silver coloured Honda Accord and I can't see anything wrong with it as he opens the car. The light comes on and I see it. There are no seats in the car except the driver's seat!

This guy came to pick me up with no seats! What am I supposed to sit on? 

"I'm sorry but I had to change the seats and did it today"

"Emmmm...when did you do this?" I ask. I don’t think I heard him right.

"Today; this afternoon actually. I would have dropped off the car but I needed to come see you so I just decided to leave my seat and come get you" he smiles.

Come get me to where? Ha! 

"Perhaps, we should have taken a rain check or a cab. Why did you do it today?"

"Ah no, I couldn't leave you. I just had to come see you and I don’t do cabs. I had to do it today-I remembered yesterday night that I wanted to do it and I just had to"

What were you taking before you owned your car?

"What was wrong with the seats? A stain or something?"

"Nothing. I just decided to do it. You know, when something comes to your mind, do it at once"

Yeah, like what comes o my mind is to use my bag and slam that Cheshire cat grin into the back of his head!

So he just felt like changing the seats and had to do this today?

"So where am I going to sit?"

He looks sheepish again. "Um, well, I was thinking we could put your bag or something at the back so you can sit on it"

My bag? This Michael Kors bag my Supervisor at work gave me? Is this guy mad? 

Hmmmm, what kind of men do we have these days? He seems so locked up in himself, my God. I spot a cushion on his seat. I point to it. He says, "Oh no. The chair is not so comfy so I use the throw pillow"

I want to throw the pillow in his face. This OFAH project has to be cancelled. I can't believe I let this guy kiss me. What was I thinking? Free kiss for a "seatless"s car. Oh my God! I am so angry. I see a bag on the floor; he’s about to protest. I ignore him and place my shawl over it and sit down. 

When we get to Ketchup, I order two sharwarmas and fries and drinks. He's like, "Wooooh, you really hungry." I ask them to give it to me as take out and they do just that. While he's drinking and waiting for his order to come out, he's asking me, "Are you angry? Please tell me what I did"

Ah ah! No “Sorry, you had to ride in the back with no seats” and the car was hot! My butt was just getting warmer with each minute. None of the charm was there again. He completely lost his appeal. He tries to bring the topic to sensual or sexual stuff but I'm so tight-lipped my jaw hurts. I need to get out of here. I am B.O.R.E.D.com. I text Lu, "Wrong Date. Hellish".

A few seconds later she texts back, "Wetin? What did he do?"

I text back, "Soon-when I get home.will tell” and I hit send.

"Please can we go now?" I ask him politely. I have finished my drink while he’s almost done with his burger.

"Awhhh, we've been here barely 30 minutes. Why don't you stay a bit? At least I waited for you at your office for close to 15 minutes."

Eh! So I should mortgage my tranquility for you because you waited for me for 15 minutes? Ok, I'll spend 15 more minutes and I'm outta here.

"Tell me about your first sexual experience" He asks while sipping his cocktail. I sigh. "Prince, you are not supposed to ask a lady you're not close to that sort of thing"

Source: blog.bored.com

He laughs. "I'm a prince" he sees my face. “No, seriously, I am a prince from back home so I usually get answers to questions...any questions" 

"Well, I answer to Kings" I respond straight-faced. He laughs. "Very funny. Oh c'mon, tell me. How was it? Was he a boyfriend in your first year?"

OK, let's do this.

"No, it was when I was 17 and I did it with three men! I snap back.

There's a startled gasp at the next table. Even Prince is shocked but then he chuckles. "I knew you were some naughty girl" He says. I blink back tears. Why am I here? I grab my take out bags and get up.

"If you don't leave with me right now, I'll take a cab and leave" And call Lu to pay for me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, sorry. OK, I'm done" He gets up, pays the bill and we go towards the car. I sit in the back again but I notice he's moved his bag- yes the one I was sitting on earlier. I think he drops it in the boot because I look at the boot  using the light of my phone and I see it in there(there are no seats, remember, so it’s easy access to the back). I hiss, grab the bag and sit on it again. I can tell he’s upset but he doesn’t say anything. As we drive, he’s trying to make small talk and I ignore him. We pass three checkpoints. At the third checkpoint, we are stopped by the Police officer who double takes when he sees me in the back sitting on nothing. He says, "Oga, how come your woman dey siddon for on top nothing?"

Prince laughs and says, "Officer, na she wan siddon dia o"

The gall. The nerve.

The Officer waves him on and we drive off; I am silent. When we get to my house, I send Lu a text that I am outside. I get down from the car; I can't even say thank you for the evening. He comes round to meet me and says, "I had a great time with you this evening. We should do it again. You know I really know now that you are my woman"

"Well, it was eventful and for that I should say thank you" He comes closer to me and bends his head again plunging in for the kill; I give him the shove of life and use my hand to push his face away. I can't call that a slap but it's something our mothers would do to a rebellious child.

He's like, "Awwwhhhh, Laraba"

"I warned you. Thank you for the evening and the sharwarma; Lu and I will enjoy eating it."

As I walk towards the house, Lu comes out and looks at me perplexed. "What's wrong?"

"Look inside the car and tell me" I go inside. I hear Lu shout at Prince. "Ehn Prince! Where did she sit?"

About 15 minutes later, as I remove my accessories and wiping my make up off with baby wipes, Lu works in. We both burst out laughing. "Babe, you try o. If na me, from the word get go I for no enter o"

"How I go do? At least, I know I want nothing to do with him. He's quite selfish or self absorbed, I don't know which"

"He's everything. Sorry o that I hooked you up with him." She laughs again."The metal no burn you?"

"Ha, see my behind na. I will never be the same again"

And that's true... And I will never his woman too!

OFAH PROJECT VERDICT: DISASTER!